User talk:King Hadas
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Wonder of Tubers page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:55, January 20, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:27, February 10, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story Your story didn't meet quality standards] and one of the requirements for the freestyle contest is posting a story that does. Starting with the smaller issues, words like "sourfaced" need to be hyphenated. You additionally need to space apart dialogue. Two speakers should't be in the same paragraph. ""What, you forget your tidy whities?" I joked. "Not mine," Teddy responded...", ""Who's (Whose) is that?" I asked. "Michel's," Teddy mumbled back. "Oh Teddy, you can't be serious. That's creepy dude!"" Grammar issues: it's=it is, its=possession "I guess its human nature" there=indicatory, their=possession, they're=they are (" Even if popular opinion says there (they're) terrible.", "A lady was behind the lunch counter, and the rest of here (her) was pouring endlessly over it." Starting sentences with conjunctions is not grammatically correct and while acceptable in certain cases, it is not a good idea to start new paragraphs with them. "But now things are different. I'm serious, I will never eat it again, no matter how delicious it is. Absolutely not. Never again!" Punctuation issues mainly involving the incorrect use/misplacement of commas. "Okay guys(,) I'm,)should be a hyphen or ellipses) I'm gonna go. If you get caught, I wasn't here." Words indicating possession are missing apostrophes: "day(')s special" Story issues: "I grabbed a tray and began sliding it down the empty lunch bar, pretending to put food on it." Why is he doing this again if not to only set up the shadowy figure's actions? You shift in time without really dealing with consequences. "I wouldn't see the sun again until four months later. Morris and Teddy were eating lunch when I appeared literally out of nowhere." A teenager has been missing for four months and there is no talk of missing person's cases and the parents resolve to send the protagonist to a boarding school without any real reason. (Also where was he for four months where no one else would come across him as you never discuss him being taken anywhere?) Additionally what are the friends doing all of his encounter with the lunch lady? They are in the vicinity and they were the last people to see him before he vanished. You were given that topic about seven hours ago, meaning you had plenty of time to revise and fix these issues before uploading it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:10, February 11, 2015 (UTC) :It still comes off as odd that a teenager would pantomime being served lunch to himself. The scene comes off as engineered for the sole purpose of the appearance of the entity. Additionally the only description you give at the time of his disappearance is the fact the room gets darker. That is not enough detail to imply that he is being taking into another dimension, especially considering many authors use everything going dark as a literary flourish for a person losing consciousness. :I'd assume once a child re-appears after having gone missing for months, the parents would investigate where he was, which you could use to build/re-enforce points and heighten tension as opposed to sending him off to a boarding school. Finally, having a coherent story doesn't mean that it can be uploaded on the site without any issues. It has to be well-told and relatively reviewed/refined before posting. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:59, February 11, 2015 (UTC)